It cannot have escaped the notice of any astute reader of the Saint chronicles that both Mr Templar and Mr Charteris liked playing with words.

Whether it's the Saint's poetry or his cynical comment about newspaper headlines (who can forget the "body found by a tramp in an advanced state of decomposition"?) or Leslie's obvious love of language that would stand a metaphor on its head and throw outrageous images and similies into scenes of what could have been brutal violence, Messrs Templar and Charteris loved language.

The advent of modern technology combined with the ever-increasing pace of life in the 21st Century means that people tend not to check what they're writing before they send it, from the office junior to professional journalists. So we've decided it's time to launch our own collection of bad writing.

We're not after outrageous descriptions, or purple prose or just plain bad writing. We're after quotes where people show they haven't really quite gotten to grips with the lingo, and we have some examples of this coming up. If you have anything you think qualifies for this then please send it in, we'll happily post it and give you a credit at the same time!

But for now we'd like to bring your attention to the following examples of how not to write English:

  • digital spy reported the pregnancy of actress Zoe Lucker with the rather splendid line that "Lucker...is four months pregnant with fiancé James Herbert". Really? Pregnant with her own fiancé?
  • One of the denizens of Upper Berkley Mews recently got a letter home from his son's school that advised that "the average length of a school day for Key Stage 2 pupils was 23.4 hours" . Needless to say his son was mortified to learn that he'd be leaving home and moving into school...
  • A while back this very same denizen was having a Saintly lunch when he couldn't help but point out the menu that listed "Spaghetti Pasta" . Eh? Spaghetti is pasta...or was it so good they had to name it twice?
  • Someone's going to have to explain this one to me. I thought the whole point of them being called Corn Flakes was that they were flakes of corn. So how can you have Multi-Grain Corn Flakes? Anybody got the number for Trading Standards?
  • From Saint William Smith:
    "Here is a really prime one from the student newspaper here at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. The HORIZONS printed an article in which the writer stated to the effect the “…people start to scoundrel for jobs…after graduation”. You can imagine the embarrassment of both the student editor and the writer when I explained to them just what a ‘scoundrel' is.
  • Saint Susa Dickerson has brought the following to our attention; Homebase, for those readers who don't live in the UK, is a national DIY chain. They're big, seriously big. But obviously not big enough to get their web site proof-read, for it seems they sell draws, not drawers...
  • Saint William Smith has returned with the following:
    "In the British Army, the training for the use of map and compass is called ‘orienteering' however the American Army calls the same training ‘Land Navigation'. The word ‘navigation' is derived from the same word as ‘navy', and means to plot a course at sea. I have noticed that aeroplanes, both civilian and military have ‘navigators'. Could this be in case they crash at sea? The use of the term ‘Land Navigation' would seem to be contradictory in nature."
  • Saint William Smith again:
    "I have come across another military term of a contradictory nature. The U.S. Marine Corps has a Division of Mountain Marines. Just how many mountains are on the ocean? The very word Marine means sea-going, as in Merchant Marine."
  • Saint William Smith continues:
    It has come to my attention that there is a business in Arizona , U.S.A. that sells manufactured houses. The business calls itself “Palm Harbor Homes”. The odd thing about this name is that the business is in the middle of an area called the high desert area. There are no palms and the nearest harbor is several hundred miles away. Rather a strange thing to name that business (unless they expect the oceans to rise that much due to global warming).
  • Saint William Smith, who obviously has as much fun with these as we do:
    "Here in the States, I recently heard one politician say of another that “He should show more ‘Testicular Fortitude'. My dictionary describes Fortitude as “Strength of MIND…to endure pain or adversity with courage”. Did this individual mean to say that the other person should have his brains in his testicles?"
  • Someone's going to have to explain this one to me. For those unfamiliar with the product, Bold 2in 1 is, well, a laundry detergent. It goes in your washing machine with the main purpose we hope, of getting your clothes clean and, if you're lucky, making them smell nice at the same time. So just what do white diamonds smell of?
  • Saint William Smith has been busy:
    "Here are a few expressions that, when combined sound rather silly; keep your eye on the ball, your ear to the ground, your shoulder to the wheel, and your nose to the grindstone. Wouldn't one look rather silly in that position? "
    and...
    "This one comes from another lover of the English Language, Sir Winston Churchill. He had attended a dinner with one of the First Families of Virginia, when he was approached by a woman whose, as he said “aptitude for motherhood was doubly evident”. She was carrying a tray of fried chicken, and asked him if he would like some of the food. He replied that he would like some breast. Shocked, she informed him that, in Virginia they say “white meat”.  That evening, he sent her a corsage of roses with a note that said “I would be honoured if you would pin this on your white meat”. "
    and...
    "This past week I was watching the DIY channel, where I heard a person telling about his woodworking tools. One of these tools is a wood scraper which he said gives a more “tactile touch” to wood finishing. Naturally this sent me to my dictionary to look up the word “tactile”. The word means of or pertaining to TOUCH!  This sounds rather redundant to me. "